And one day, it happened. I mean, I know it didn’t happen in a single day, but it certainly felt that sudden. It was a combination of moments–seeing a picture of my face and noticing my eyes had changed, brushing my hair out one morning and finding fine, white streaks, catching a glance of my hands as I typed a note and seeing memories of my mother’s callused and lined palms. Somewhere in the chaos of having a full and lived life, time tipped the scales and I am no longer a young woman. There was panic, initially. I went out and bought a box of hair dye, only to find that it does not work the same on the faded white streaks. I bought face cream for the first time in my life. I felt the tug of hypocrisy as I tried to hide the wear and tear of life while being simultaneously appalled by actresses who have obviously had their lips ‘re-plumped’. Maybe I was one of those women….maybe I would spend the rest of my life trying to look 30. I could…
But, even quicker than I would’ve imagined, a calmness overtook me. I realized that I had this legitimacy that I had not yet been able to claim. I had the body, face, and mind of a wise-woman. I have been around this place long enough to feel confident in my beliefs, thoughts, and even outbursts. I realized that I felt more like I had ‘arrived’, as opposed to feeling like I was leaving. Instead of feeling as though time was running out, it was replaced with this knowledge that life would have more meaning and mindfulness from this point on.
I know myself better than I ever have. I have forgiven myself for many of my weaknesses and replaced it with understanding and preparedness. Yeah, there will always be the mental health, the dark days and manic nights. But, the shame has dissipated so much. This is just me. Truth be told, a lot of the early adulthood anxieties have been replaced by other worries and there is still plenty to keep me up at night. But, I have never been better at being me. And I realized that I want to work hard at embracing that.
But, I’m keeping the face cream. It feels so nice…
-K
I am ever grateful for your ‘plump’ compassion, intelligence and courage. Plus yer hot!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Judy!
Oh my goodness, first time face creamer here too, and also recently had my hair baylayged (however that’s spelled) to hide the white streaks only to find them peaking out again a couple weeks later. I also find myself in the “wise woman” role as I tell my younger co-workers about what to expect with upcoming weddings, newly married life, crazy in-laws and navigating college.
Good to know I’m not alone in this new phase of life.
Solidarity, sister!